Kirafa’s Revolt

So it’s New Years Eve and I’ve never felt older and more alone. I really feel old tonight and it completely sucks. I’m also watching The Bridges of Madison County and it almost always makes me cry. The only thing I want to do is brush my teeth, sounds gross but they feel disgusting and it keeps my mind off the fact that for the first time in five years I’m not with him. So I break my diet and have two egg rolls and watch When Harry Met Sally the quintessential New Year’s Eve movie.

Damn, damn and double damn, I broke my rule and I texted him. I swore I wouldn’t, but I did. He didn’t respond, the ghosting of me is complete and it’s so humiliating. I don’t know why I put myself through this, I’m not pathetic or am I? I’m in bed at 9:40 on New Years Eve and I hear the music playing from all the bands and bars across the river. I took a Benadryl thinking it would help me sleep. It didn’t.

Its amusing that you imagine yourself at this age and you think you won’t be sad or lonely. It’s worse because you know time is really running out and you may die and no one will care. Now I really want to cry, but I can’t, I’ve cried it all out.  Tonight more than anything I want to move. I want to move away, somewhere he isn’t. Somewhere, I won’t see him or think I may see him.

Meg Ryan is crying because Joe is marrying someone else and it’s true. She is so right. It’s not all the reasons you think, it really is that they didn’t love you enough or at all. But what the hell do you do when you are old and finally meet the love of your life? The love you can’t forget, can’t get over and want all the time? Not obsessively, just that person you think about when you go to sleep and again when you wake up. It sounds obsessive, but you function well and are able to date other people, but not love. I can’t love anyone and sex is a no, you think about it, but you just can’t complete it. 

I want to be asleep at midnight. I have to be asleep at midnight. I can’t think he’s down there at all the parties and bars and is kissing someone that’s not me. Damnit why didn’t he text me back?? I’m going to sleep now. I swear I’m going to sleep now. 

I didn’t fall asleep, and Billy Crystal is running to the New Years party for Meg Ryan and I realize no one has ever run for me, never and they probably never will. When this movie first came out, it was possible, but not now. And now the tears come again and I wonder if they will ever stop. 

Happy New Years.